i hate myself for loving you

I hate myself for loving you

I hate myself for realizing

That feeling, you know the one.

Where every time you see the one that drives you crazy,

Your stomach sinks and you feel yourself begin to fall.

It's where that painful break in your chest starts to ache,

To be with them.

You want to smile at the thought of them, and not realize you're smiling at all.

Or the pride I'm so tempted to feel

To wear just one more laugh

You had made just for me.

And I hate myself for that.

I wanna take another look into your big brown eyes

And feel like I belong.

I wanna feel my insides melt

At just the sight of your smile.

I want to have it all.

I wanna wonder what you're thinking about right now.

I wanna know if you think about me half as much as I think of you.

But than I realize that can't be true.

Because why should you love me like I love you?

I'm no girl of your dreams

Certainly no beauty queen

I'm just a girl with low selfesteem.

Another girl who hopes that one day some one will care.

Or start to hope that there might be something there.

But I remember that that will never be.

After all it is ME...

So when I see you look over my shoulder

And I witness your eyes starting to glitter for some one else

I again realize, it can never be.

And I can't help but hate myself for being me.

But what hurts the most is when your glance shifts

To boring old me once again.

Then I feel those emotions rushing back.

The feeling like maybe, just maybe

This was meant to be.

SO I smile another day

Hold on to the remembrance of that second

that for just one moment..

I was lucky enough to be the one you held in your arms.

Then at the end of the day

After long hours of holding my breath,

I can finally sigh and smile as I think of you.

Did you know that every night

When I turn out my light

My head sinks back into my pillow while I hold it tight

And pretend it's you

My eyelids start to close

And I let the last voice I hear inside my head

be yours and only yours?

As I sit here and continue to hate myself for this

At least I know that the reason for this all

Is because the last person I'd ever want to hate is him...