i hate myself for loving you

I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for realizing
That feeling, you know the one.
Where every time you see the one that drives you crazy,
Your stomach sinks and you feel yourself begin to fall.
It's where that painful break in your chest starts to ache,
To be with them.

You want to smile at the thought of them, and not realize you're smiling at all.
Or the pride I'm so tempted to feel
To wear just one more laugh
You had made just for me.
And I hate myself for that.

I wanna take another look into your big brown eyes
And feel like I belong.
I wanna feel my insides melt
At just the sight of your smile.
I want to have it all.

I wanna wonder what you're thinking about right now.
I wanna know if you think about me half as much as I think of you.
But than I realize that can't be true.
Because why should you love me like I love you?
I'm no girl of your dreams
Certainly no beauty queen
I'm just a girl with low selfesteem.

Another girl who hopes that one day some one will care.
Or start to hope that there might be something there.
But I remember that that will never be.
After all it is ME...

So when I see you look over my shoulder
And I witness your eyes starting to glitter for some one else
I again realize, it can never be.
And I can't help but hate myself for being me.

But what hurts the most is when your glance shifts
To boring old me once again.
Then I feel those emotions rushing back.
The feeling like maybe, just maybe
This was meant to be.

SO I smile another day
Hold on to the remembrance of that second
that for just one moment..
I was lucky enough to be the one you held in your arms.
Then at the end of the day
After long hours of holding my breath,
I can finally sigh and smile as I think of you.

Did you know that every night
When I turn out my light
My head sinks back into my pillow while I hold it tight
And pretend it's you
My eyelids start to close
And I let the last voice I hear inside my head
be yours and only yours?

As I sit here and continue to hate myself for this
At least I know that the reason for this all
Is because the last person I'd ever want to hate is him...